I used to collect keys as a teenager. I looked at them and dreamed about places I could possibly escape to or treasures I could open.
After my test shoot in the forest I began thinking more about my reason for collecting the keys. Suddenly, I remembered how many times I’ve been telling my friends that I feel imprisoned in my life – in my house, in my fears and in my body. And then I remembered the year that changed joyful and active child into what I appear to be now. A year of illness and 20 years of recovering. When I returned home from hospital I was very weak and full of fears. Now I’ve finally recovered both physically and psychologically, so I don’t need to escape anymore.
Shooting myself was the most difficult task because of several reasons. At first it was challenging in terms of posing- I had only 10 second delay to run from my camera to my position, to take a pose and to create an emotion on my face. Next difficulty was not seeing myself. I tried to do that the way Cindy Sherman did, with the help of mirrors, but it’s not the same as looking through the camera. Next problem was lack of space. I’ve got 50mm lens and was shooting in a small bedroom, so it was challenging to fit myself into the frame. However I solved that by placing an object to draw an imaginary line between the camera and me. And finally, I was looking at each photo after taking it, but couldn’t see the actual picture. Instead of observing whole image I saw only my too fuzzy hair, too big nose, too awkward face and so on and on. So I shot the same photos again and again. I can say the biggest difficulty was to take a distant look and to make impersonal selection of images.